Control

The mysterious knight that stole your heart has left you with only his tracks of dust which dissipate quickly once you lose sight of him. It has taken quite sometime to heal from those inner wounds. Your dark and handsome knight discarded you because you suddenly weren’t good enough for him.

Time has elapsed…so you now move on with your life and marry. In a few months kids soon come along, and now you hold the position of a CHO (Chief Home Officer). As you mature in your marriage you think ”Hey I married a diamond in the ruff”.

He is religious, handsome, financially stable, and has become your soulmate. Did you really convince yourself of that? A diamond in the ruff? You have now seen his true colors. Is he really that diamond in the ruff you thought he was? Marriages have their bumpy roads, but there is a limit of how many pot holes you have to hit in order to call it quits.

You have never forgotten the first arguement you had with your so-called soulmate. It came to you as a shock. All of a sudden, this man that you swore to protect his property, honor, and love him for the sake of Allah has betrayed you. His voice gets louder, he becomes more furious, and you not accepting this, fight back. You yell back at him, tell him your feelings only to see his hand swinging towards your face in rage. “I will not tolerate my wife to speak to me this way, you hear!?” You don’t know what to do. All of this came so unexpectedly, no warning, no clues. You ask yourself, “Why didn’t I see the signs”? Your mind rushes with past occurances that you missed.

Things you just brushed off because he was stressed from work, family, and bills. You start piecing things bit by bit, and now see the whole picture. This was coming for a long time. You ignored it, kept yourself busy with the children, cleaning, friends, cooking, etc. It had become  your way of coping with his anger, with his discontentment with how life was going. While sitting at your dining table looking at your assembly of  spanakopitas (spinach turnovers). You are now planning your escape. You always heard the saying ”If he did it once he’ll do it again”. So why wait…why wait for it to happen again. It will only get worse from here. You convince yourself it won’t, but deep in your heart and soul you know it will. He really is a good guy, he loves his children, you have had happy moments together. “This will pass” you say. Only for it to happen again this time, he left bruises on your arm, and pushed you to the wall. You fight back, but its no use. He’s a lot stronger and taller than you are. He blames you for what has happened. “Am I really tearing my family apart?”, you ask. He tells you Allah is witnessing all that is happening. You get so afraid when Allah (swt) is mentioned, because you think it really is your fault. The reason that you just can’t make this marriage work. You’ve tried to forget his passed faults and habits, but its no use. You said you forgave him, but to forget…well that’s a whole different story.

You begin to ponder if leaving would be the best thing. He said if you’re not happy you can leave, but is this true? You had all your clothes packed and you were ready to leave, and he threatened you…laughed…because he assumed he was in control of your life. “You have no where to go, where are you going to go?” He chuckles. You indeed have places to go too, but are afraid to tell him because you fear the kidnapping of your babies. He might take them away from you in order to make you suffer. So you have to come back to him.

Will he really let you go? Only time will tell. You will never find out until you do it. You begin to to conspire, it’s only going to get worse from  this point. He’s hit you about 3 times now or maybe 4 you’re unable to remember. He has controlled all aspects of your life for these 5 years. Who your friends are, where you go, even has a hold on whether you really have to go to your doctor appointments…he thinks they’re unnessary because you’re fine. Nothing is wrong with you, “You’ll see I’m right” he says.

What will happen during the next arguement”? Will it be a push, a fist coming at you, or will it have you end up in the a hospital or even dead? You remember your children, those young souls that depend so much on you, your motivation in this life. You refuse to raise them living in such circumstances. Your son thinking its perfectly alright to beat women, and your daughter thinking that this is what a husband should be. That’s not the message you want to send for them. So you now plan…conspire…how you will leave this predicament, because you know that this has nothing to do with Islam and not the way a marriage should be. A marriage includes honesty, respect, love, friendship, sharing of feelings, honor, and security. You shouldn’t feel happier when your husband is away on a business trip or at work. In a marriage you should be happy to see each other, not feel as though you are walking on egg shells. So for your kids, your dignity, and honor you plot how to leave this so-called marriage because no man is better than a bad one.

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